Hey folks! It's been a while, huh? To acknowledge my lack of blogging presence in A YEAR, I'm going to steal the words of Hayley Hoover: "There's something really weird about a twenty-two-year-old woman writing in the same blog that contains her high-school-sophomore angst. I feel like I'm disturbing a haunted tomb or something." While blogging about my life is not something I'm interested in anymore, it just wouldn't be me if I didn't write something nostalgic on the anniversary of my last post. Don't expect anything inspiring. I'm just writing what comes to mind.
Per tradition, let's dive in to what I did "a year ago today" (you can tell I've been watching too many youtube lifestyle videos)...
I was doing my best not to cry in public because my boyfriend at the time left for bootcamp that day, but I had to go to work at the writing center. So I greeted my friends at work and told them how sad I was, and then I sat at the middle work table and listened to Hummingbird until someone came in looking for help with a paper. Jenny, who was working the reception desk, came to my table with a guy and said, "Erika, this is my good friend Raoul. Be good to him." And during our appointment, I forgot I had just said goodbye to all contact with my boyfriend, and I actually turned happy. Raoul was the best person I have ever helped with a paper. He was so charming and receptive and he literally kept saying: "This is great;" "So good!" "I'm gonna bring all my papers here." To receive such a reaction from a freshman was fantastic and affirming, and I believed for a second that my life wasn't going to be so bad.
Looking back (man, I just love reflection! try it sometime.), I can see that in the midst of my suffering, God was telling me that everything was going to be okay. That brighter days were up ahead despite my heartache.
So Raoul and I dated for a while this past semester. Our relationship ended when the semester did because I left for an off-campus study in New York City and I didn't want a long distance relationship. In our time apart, we still kept up with each other, but he did a few things that I personally would not tolerate or accept as a romantic friend. The things were almost unforgivable, but I'm a forgiving person, so I shut him out of my life instead of hating him. I opened up to a friend about him and my problems, and it was amazing the perspective I gained from seeking support. I got over him so quickly after that. So when he called me a week later to tell me how stressed he was, I wasn't angry for what he had done to me in the past, but I was happy he was confounding in me. He told me about his girl problems and how stressed he was this semester. Then he asked if I was over him and I honestly considered saying no because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I realized how stupid that was considering how much he hurt me. So I said yes. It felt so good to say what I meant instead of lying to save his feelings. And now we're friends and I like it so much better than when we were dating. I am just so happy with how mature I am handling life situations lately. I don't want to come off as arrogant, but I want you to know that you don't have to hold grudges! That if you forgive someone and learn from the mistakes you made, you will be so much happier.
People matter. If they meant something to you before, why shouldn't they mean something to you now? For example, my first boyfriend broke my heart and won't talk to me anymore, but I would still take a bullet for him. I looked him up on Facebook today because it's a special day, January 28. He had changed his profile picture and you know what I did when I saw his face? I smiled. BECAUSE HE LOOKED HAPPY. He appeared to be on the beach and the sun was peeking out behind him, making his face all glowey, and he was smiling. IT WAS A SELFIE. He never smiled for selfies. And right there in the FIKA coffee shop, I smiled at him on my computer screen. To me, it's a sign of maturation when you smile for the happiness of someone who meant so much to you, even though things didn't end well. Time makes the pain people caused you irrelevant. And I smiled back at his smiling face and I wanted to cry out of happiness. I didn't think of anything that happened between us. I just looked at him like he was someone I care about. Because he is. And even though we'll never talk again, I still have to be happy. I choose to be happy. Because life is too short to be anything else. I ain't got time for regrets.
So basically, this has been a giant slab of word vomit. My vision before writing this was to write about how much I have changed and matured in a year, but that tanked big time. I just wanted to keep the January 28 tradition alive. And I know the only other person reading this will be Erin, but I doubt she'll check this for another few months. And maybe my blogger friend Sara. Hey Sara! :)
I'm sorry you read this. If you couldn't tell, I kind of hate writing these days and that's why this sucked so much. I just love people and being kind and getting over myself so that I can live a happy life.
No comments:
Post a Comment