January 28, 2017

Lookie here, folks, I still got it! Another year, another post. 

January 28, 2017 was a big day for me. I, Erika, self-proclaimed cautious driver and scaredy cat freeway-goer, embarked on my longest ever solo driving trip--a 2.5 hour quest to my new home. I moved out of my parents' house and into my boyfriend's apartment in a city I barely know. I ate a peanut butter burger for the first time and loved it. I crashed my college's annual winter ball and felt too old to be dancing among underclassmen. 

Present - It's sobering to think that my current situation depends heavily on the relationship I'm in. If I did not have a serious boyfriend, I'd probably be living at home, applying for jobs locally and hanging out with my high school friends just like any other break from college. Instead, I followed a guy to a city I'm not crazy about with no idea how I'm going to find a job and pay for rent, internet, groceries... The present is uncertain. I don't know what I'm doing now or tomorrow and I feel like a bum. 

Highlights - Some big-ish things happened this year.

- I graduated college. Although my degree isn't helping me get shit, so this feels irrelevant. 

- I saw The 1975 in concert. Their albums are the only ones I can listen to entirely and enjoy every second of it

- I traveled to four different countries abroad (Austria, Hungary, Slovakia, Iceland). I learned that I love to travel, but I would hate to live anywhere other than America. America is easy, familiar. I can do America. I don't have the energy to live anywhere else long term (mostly speaking of non English-speaking countries). Living abroad felt like drowning. 

- I accomplished one of my biggest dreams! I worked at Disney World for 4.5 months on the college program. Even though my job was hella boring, I loved getting to play in the parks every single day. I'm now one of those snobs who won't wait more than 20 minutes for a good ride and I listen to the Wishes track when I'm feeling sad and nostalgic. 

- I realized for the 22nd (joking) year in a row that I'm shitty at long-distance communication and will never be a good friend to anyone not within a one mile radius of me. 

Changes - This past year felt stagnant. I didn't experience self-transformation or growth like I did after I lived in New York. I haven't gotten to do any exploring on my own. I feel dull because I've been babied. My trips and college programs have been aided by parents, professors, managers, and so on. There's not much room to learn when someone else planned your itinerary. This year I want more independence. 

Goals - My writing makes me cringe. I have dreams of writing best-selling novels and this is the best I can do? Ugh. I want to write every day to hone my voice. It's cheesy, but I love me some Macklemore. And he says, "The greats weren't great because at birth they could paint. The greats were great cause they paint a lot." 

My laptop is gonna die. That's all I got. 

Until next year, peace. And croissant donuts. <3

January 28, 2016

Happy January 28, the one day each year when I post on this blog and reflect on how I've grown as a person!

First of all, I cannot believe how fast the year went by. I feel like January 28, 2015 was a few months ago, and if I walk outside right now, I'll only need to make a few turns and then I'll arrive at 305 West 29th Street, New York, New York.

My New York City self is so close, I can sense her. But we're not the same person. New York Erika is walking down 8th Ave right now from Lincoln Square. She'll skip past the Irish pub, the bodega with the fancy cupcakes, and the Greek restaurant near her apartment. She's headed toward the clubs in the Meatpacking District, looking for some new friends. New York Erika can befriend anyone, charm everyone. New York Erika is magic.

The real Erika? She's slouched on her bed, double chin to chest, trying to calm down after watching The Fault in Our Stars. The real Erika is unhappy with herself.

The way I'm writing, it sounds like I'm schizophrenic. I'm not, but I did have to leave my almost boyfriend's house a few hours ago because I was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

A year later, and I'm still my worst bully. I spend so much time building other people up; I value everyone. But then I don't have room to love myself. I keep telling myself I'm not good enough. Not good enough for anyone to want to spend time with me. It's all in my head, I know it. But it's a lonely, tragic spiral down to depression and anxiety and wanting to pull my hair out.

I received a lot of compliments this week.

A co-worker came up to me at the end of a staff meeting and said, "You are a great public speaker."
The boy I really like told me, "There are a lot of kind people. And there are a lot of genuine people. But there aren't many kind and genuine people. You're both."
When I left work today, my favorite new friend said, "Don't leave me; I'll be sad."
And still more. "You would have been a great teacher;" "You're kinder than most people. And funnier than most people. And more beautiful than most people;" "You would be the perfect person for Disney;" "I like how your voice always sounds like you're smiling;" "That was the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a while."

I am surrounded by so many incredibly kind and supportive people. I remember what they say about me. And yet I can't stand myself sometimes, the way I convince myself I'm ugly, worthless, no good for anything.

I've grown a lot this year. But I still have a lot more growing to do. A lot more learning about myself.

I have a senior year bucket list: go to Winter Fantasia; stargaze at the Bowl; ask a stranger out to coffee; dine at Butch's; attend a creepy basement frat party; eat at Cook one last time.

I have a phone interview for the Disney College Program in two weeks. And then I'm going to Vienna for three weeks in June to take my senior seminar. The boy I like keeps talking toward the future like, "Let's go to Tulip Time for your birthday; Let's go to ArtPrize; Let's take a day trip to GR."

On New Year's, I told my friends I wanted to be a better friend this year. They laughed at me like I was ridiculous. I bet they aren't laughing now, because I'm blowing everyone off. Not investing in long-distane communication. I'm still a shitty friend to most people.

I'm obsessed with The 1975. They're coming to my city the day after my birthday and I want to see them so bad, but I can't commit that much money to anything. Every time I listen to their music, I'm reminded of my best friend who I'm hurting because I'm not giving her the time she deserves.

I like light beer and IPAs and red ales, and sometimes, after I've drank half a glass, I can tolerate stouts. I like singing out loud when I wait to cross the street to my college house, letting the cars wash out my terrible voice. I like my purple tights with the velvet paisley design the best.

I'm taking a creative writing novels class and we have to write a novel next month. I'm writing about a girl who lives on Roosevelt Island. Her best friend has muscular dystrophy, and she's searching for the guy with dreadlocks she met on the subway. It's not a romance.

I broke someone's heart last year, and I'm still too much of a coward to give him closure. He sent me a Christmas present. I now own two copies of Eleanor & Park.

My mom and I talked on the phone for 45 minutes today about blowjobs and throat cancer and sex. I've decided she's my best friend.

I feel a lot better now. :)

Until next year, keep dancing down the street.

You're a superstar.

A year ago today and other ramblings

Hey folks! It's been a while, huh? To acknowledge my lack of blogging presence in A YEAR, I'm going to steal the words of Hayley Hoover: "There's something really weird about a twenty-two-year-old woman writing in the same blog that contains her high-school-sophomore angst. I feel like I'm disturbing a haunted tomb or something." While blogging about my life is not something I'm interested in anymore, it just wouldn't be me if I didn't write something nostalgic on the anniversary of my last post. Don't expect anything inspiring. I'm just writing what comes to mind.


Per tradition, let's dive in to what I did "a year ago today" (you can tell I've been watching too many youtube lifestyle videos)...
I was doing my best not to cry in public because my boyfriend at the time left for bootcamp that day, but I had to go to work at the writing center. So I greeted my friends at work and told them how sad I was, and then I sat at the middle work table and listened to Hummingbird until someone came in looking for help with a paper. Jenny, who was working the reception desk, came to my table with a guy and said, "Erika, this is my good friend Raoul. Be good to him." And during our appointment, I forgot I had just said goodbye to all contact with my boyfriend, and I actually turned happy. Raoul was the best person I have ever helped with a paper. He was so charming and receptive and he literally kept saying: "This is great;" "So good!" "I'm gonna bring all my papers here." To receive such a reaction from a freshman was fantastic and affirming, and I believed for a second that my life wasn't going to be so bad.

Looking back (man, I just love reflection! try it sometime.), I can see that in the midst of my suffering, God was telling me that everything was going to be okay. That brighter days were up ahead despite my heartache.  

So Raoul and I dated for a while this past semester. Our relationship ended when the semester did because I left for an off-campus study in New York City and I didn't want a long distance relationship. In our time apart, we still kept up with each other, but he did a few things that I personally would not tolerate or accept as a romantic friend. The things were almost unforgivable, but I'm a forgiving person, so I shut him out of my life instead of hating him. I opened up to a friend about him and my problems, and it was amazing the perspective I gained from seeking support. I got over him so quickly after that. So when he called me a week later to tell me how stressed he was, I wasn't angry for what he had done to me in the past, but I was happy he was confounding in me. He told me about his girl problems and how stressed he was this semester. Then he asked if I was over him and I honestly considered saying no because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I realized how stupid that was considering how much he hurt me. So I said yes. It felt so good to say what I meant instead of lying to save his feelings. And now we're friends and I like it so much better than when we were dating. I am just so happy with how mature I am handling life situations lately. I don't want to come off as arrogant, but I want you to know that you don't have to hold grudges! That if you forgive someone and learn from the mistakes you made, you will be so much happier. 

People matter. If they meant something to you before, why shouldn't they mean something to you now? For example, my first boyfriend broke my heart and won't talk to me anymore, but I would still take a bullet for him. I looked him up on Facebook today because it's a special day, January 28. He had changed his profile picture and you know what I did when I saw his face? I smiled. BECAUSE HE LOOKED HAPPY. He appeared to be on the beach and the sun was peeking out behind him, making his face all glowey, and he was smiling. IT WAS A SELFIE. He never smiled for selfies. And right there in the FIKA coffee shop, I smiled at him on my computer screen. To me, it's a sign of maturation when you smile for the happiness of someone who meant so much to you, even though things didn't end well. Time makes the pain people caused you irrelevant. And I smiled back at his smiling face and I wanted to cry out of happiness. I didn't think of anything that happened between us. I just looked at him like he was someone I care about. Because he is. And even though we'll never talk again, I still have to be happy. I choose to be happy. Because life is too short to be anything else. I ain't got time for regrets.

So basically, this has been a giant slab of word vomit. My vision before writing this was to write about how much I have changed and matured in a year, but that tanked big time. I just wanted to keep the January 28 tradition alive. And I know the only other person reading this will be Erin, but I doubt she'll check this for another few months. And maybe my blogger friend Sara. Hey Sara! :)

I'm sorry you read this. If you couldn't tell, I kind of hate writing these days and that's why this sucked so much. I just love people and being kind and getting over myself so that I can live a happy life.

A Year Ago Today #3

On January 28, 2013, I attended another knitting club meeting at which I made no progress on whatever it is a person can make with 20 feet of yarn. I searched for plane tickets to California, dreaming about actually traveling there in the summer (I did!). I went to bible study, attended an info meeting, and probably ate fewer french fries than I would have liked. Today, I don't want to talk about cafeteria food or failed knitting projects, but something that has had a huge impact on the person I came to be within the past 365 days. A year ago today, I asked the cute boy in my German class to study with me.

Okay, so I didn't do anything "Rosa Parks Life-Changing," but the story that follows the moment I said, "I'm working on German homework if you want to join me," has brought new direction to my life as I discovered myself and fell in love for the first time. It sounds cheesy (and it probably is), but looking back, the sum of my life in the past year has been what it is because of that moment. You should read this because my story shows how one action -- one person -- can change your world.

Him and I were already talking in class at this point, but we barely acknowledged that we lived in the same dorm, so it was an awkward surprise for us to run into each other in the basement of our residence hall after class that day. He was looking to shave his head in a room with tile floor, and I was searching for a quiet spot to do homework. After he gave himself a haircut, he passed me again and I asked him to join me. I could tell he was nervous, but I was trying to figure out how to act around him too. From that day on, we started walking back to our dorm together from class and we'd study together once every week or so. Six days short of a month later, he taped his number to my door after I skipped class, saying to text him for the assignment. In March, we used every excuse we could to be with each other. On the 25th, I told him I liked him, and two days later he kissed me for the first time. We call April 4th the official day we started dating.

The first picture we ever took together :)

In the early months after we first studied together, my boring college life finally had some excitement. As I explained in a blog post before, I had close to no experience being with a boy who liked me back, so my time with him was fun, addicting, and always a surprise. We've been dating for close to 10 months now and I cannot imagine my life being the way it is now had it not been for him. All it took was for me to step outside of my comfort zone for a moment and invite a guy to study with me. This fact is so simple and seemingly uneventful that I can't help but laugh. Every single one of us has the opportunity to do something different. Whether it's inviting the shy girl at lunch to sit with you and your friends or submitting your work to a research celebration, the smallest choices you make can have a massive impact on the direction your life is going.

Do something spontaneous today. Reach out to someone new. That thing you've always wanted to try, but never thought you were good enough for? Stop doubting and start doing! You and I both know your excuses are easily countered.

Exactly a year after my journey with this boy began, his life is about to change drastically. He has enlisted in the Navy and ships for boot camp today. Except for letters, we can't contact each other for two months. After that, he goes to school for 18 months in a place that's five states away. It saddens me to the core knowing I won't get to be there as he experiences all these new things, but I'm so excited for where our lives will go in the next year. I know we'll break up someday because of how different our goals are, but I will be forever grateful for the friend I have in this boy. He is so incredible. I can't picture my life without him. To think it all started a year ago today...

2014 Goals!

Eight days into 2014 and time ain't stoppin' for no one! Here are the things I'd like to do this year:

• Drink more water. Between stressing over my massive homework loads and spending more time in my dorm room, I did way too much snacking in 2013. By drinking at least 6 glasses of water a day, I hope to keep myself full and thinking of other things besides cheddar cheese pretzel Combos and Fiber One bars.
• Dress up once a week. Second semester last year, I did Dress Up Mondays and found that it really made me start the week happy. This year, I think I'll do Dress Up Wednesdays because a) I have 14 dresses taking up room in my closet and b) It's the day I work and go to class the longest, so more people will see me looking my best (don't tell me you don't plan around that too!).
• Send more snail mail. I bought 100 instant-film postcards and have cute Disney Pixar stamps, so I have no excuses. I've already sent 5 pieces of mail and can't wait to make my friends and family smile when they find a special letter in their mailbox. Part of this goal is to also let the people I care about know that they are appreciated, loved, and admired.
• Stop thinking negatively. I cannot even begin to name all the negative things I think on a daily basis. I'm learning to stop worrying about what other people think of me and trust that I'm a person that people like to be with.
• Read 25 books. I barely reached this tiny goal in 2013 and I refuse to set the bar any lower.
• DO NOT WORK AT SUBWAY OVER THE SUMMER. Please, no.

I have a whole list of other things I want to accomplish, but these are the main ones. What do you hope to accomplish this year?

You Would Never Break the Chain

There are only 8 days left of Blog Every Day November, and I really don't think I want to finish it. Of course I want to be able to say I wrote a blog post for every single day of the month, and I don't want to give up when I'm so close, but I'm getting tired of it.

In the beginning, writing was an escape from my busy days at work and school and I looked forward to sharing something random with you. As you could probably tell by the last week though, I've been running out of time and passion for these posts. As quantity went up, quality went down, and if NaNoWriMo taught me anything, it's that the two do not equate.

I still have a wealth of ideas for blog posts, but I never touch on them because they'd take more than the 30 minutes I have to write for myself each day. So even though I wanted to write more about interesting things, I'd instead go for something short and sweet because it was easy. What's the point of that? I'm not proud of the quick posts; they're not as fun to go back and read. They certainly can't be entertaining for you either. If you're a regular reader of my blog, you've probably felt overwhelmed by my daily posts, and the last thing I want to do is shoo you away.

Basically, I may not complete this challenge. I have more homework than I can even think about right now and not enough time to do it all, so blogging is quite irresponsible of me.

Thank you so much for reading and posting comments. If you were thinking about doing a daily blog post for a month, stick to 20. Any more than that and it starts to become a chore.

Have a fantastic weekend! Get ready for turkey day and spending time with the fam bam!


On Repeat: "The Chain" - Fleetwood Mac
I'm Craving: My family and friends back home

Will you give me a hug?

Today I don't feel well. I have a stomach virus that's keeping me in bed and making all thoughts of food nauseating. I'm tired and overwhelmed with how much work there is to do in the next 3 weeks. I don't think I've said more than 5 words to anyone today. I'm lonely and teary-eyed.

What I want is someone to hold me. I want someone to speak to me softly and spoon warm soup into my mouth. I want cuddles and my hair stroked and someone to say they'll take care of me. I want someone to dry my tears.

I would just like an honest to goodness, real, genuine friend here.

Maybe what I need is my mom.

I don't want to do this thing called 'work' anymore. Can we skip to the part where I'm a mommy to four beautiful children who love me despite my snoring, anxiety, and worrying? Let's go to the part where I'm snuggled up to my husband on the couch, watching a movie, and knowing he will never let me go.

I have dreams. I'll get there someday.


On Repeat: "Look After You" - Louis Tomlinson (The Fray cover)