On Being Insecure

I'm not worth it.

I'm not good enough.

These are the things I tell myself on a daily basis. When I go to a friend's house, I won't even eat her food because I don't want to take anything I may not be able to give back. If I see the boy I like talking to another girl, I'll back off and force away all feelings I have for him because there's no way I could compare to her. I'll be there to listen to my friend cry about her problems at 3 in the morning, but if I'm depressed, I won't dare burden anyone with my dour feelings.

I hate this about myself. Thinking back to this school year and every night I cried myself to sleep or stared lifelessly out the window, I find that my depressive state always leads back to me thinking badly about myself.

In most relationships, I feel awkward, annoying, inexperienced, and boring. I'm too weird, or what I talk about isn't interesting, or I've never done what they've done before so I must be bad at it. These thoughts are what propel me into thinking I'm not worth their time, money, or feelings.

What I hate the most about this though is how it must make those around me feel. If they knew what I was thinking, would that make them feel like bad friends? Would they feel inadequate knowing I never feel worthy of  their investment? In actuality, I'm incredibly grateful for the people who've shown they want to be in my life. I go out of my way to do special things for them, shower them with positive affirmations, and acknowledge when they make me feel good. Yet the negative thoughts keep coming back, despite how much love they show me. And that will always be a problem I have with myself. I'll keep backing away and believing no one cares. I will continue to disappoint people while people continue to disappoint me.

Even with all of this messed up stuff, you'll still catch me being the happiest person alive. I yo-yo between loving life and people and spreading kindness to secluding myself from everyone and wanting to curl up into a ball until the world ends.

Humans; we're so complicated. (Though next week I'll probably be saying we're so simple.)


On Repeat: "Boy You'll Forget" - Dave Days

EDIT: Shortly after posting this, I watched a video by meekakitty on youtube and I thought she said perfectly what I wanted to say, but never really said at all. Watch her video on empathy here. "Intellectually, we know that's not true, but it's hard not to feel that way."