I'm sitting here on the third floor of the library trying not to cry.
It's Friday afternoon and classes are officially done for the summer.
To celebrate, most of my school is outside in the central part of campus, having fun at Spring Fling.
I'm pretty sure I'm only one of maybe ten other students who chose studying over hanging out with friends on the first nice day of the season.
Except I don't really want to be here, alone on the quiet floor while my mind suffocates my entire being.
I'm past the point of being angry at myself.
Now I just roll my eyes and tell myself, "You are a dumb shit, Erika."
I'm so fed up with my work ethic lately.
I hate how I never do my homework on time anymore.
I hate how I find it normal to have to turn papers and projects in late.
I hate how I know my GPA is dropping and all I do is shrug my shoulders.
This was never me.
And now my thoughts are tunneling in on the idea that this is how college will be for me from here on out.
I see myself developing a panic disorder.
My heart now has an irregular beat that tumbles and stutters every time I look to my homework and come up with blank thoughts.
I can't do this anymore.
Class is over. I should be done. I should be spending these final days with the friends I won't see until next year.
My life is slipping out of my grasp and I'm not doing anything about it.
I don't care about anything anymore.
I need to see a counselor.
I have less than a week left with the first boy I've ever loved and I want to puke every time I think about having to leave him.
I need a hug.
I want to be left alone.
I don't want to be a burden.
I want to fade into the worn-out carpet of the least-known building so others will forget about me so that I can forget about myself.
Two girls I'm partially friends with just ran into the library to give me ice cream; I'm crying harder now, terrified and amazed that it's the people you'd never expect that care the most.
It scares me the way I'm treating a public blog like a diary.
I want to sleep for the next seven days.
I want to be home.
I don't want to leave.
This post doesn't fix anything.
I still have hours and hours of work to do.
I knew I shouldn't have put on mascara today.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
If I Could Write Poetry
I'd string together lines that captured the significance of my vintage AC/DC t-shirt.
I'd compose a haiku on eating grilled cheese every Wednesday.
I'd record my firsts in brilliant verse, following the order in which I gave them away.
I'd confess my love for eggs over hard with grape jelly.
I'd reveal my anxiety budding from opening doors, how I'm terrified I won't know how to open one in public.
I'd describe my ideal summer night spent under the stars and soaked in post-midnight dew.
But I can't write poetry.
Or I don't believe I can.
I've never tried.
On Repeat: "Kiss Me Slowly" - Parachute
I'd compose a haiku on eating grilled cheese every Wednesday.
I'd record my firsts in brilliant verse, following the order in which I gave them away.
I'd confess my love for eggs over hard with grape jelly.
I'd reveal my anxiety budding from opening doors, how I'm terrified I won't know how to open one in public.
I'd describe my ideal summer night spent under the stars and soaked in post-midnight dew.
But I can't write poetry.
Or I don't believe I can.
I've never tried.
On Repeat: "Kiss Me Slowly" - Parachute
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Avocado or Guacamole?
Why today is a good day:
What made your day great?
On Repeat: Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun
- My roommate bought me a box of tissues so I don't have to torture my nose with the roll of toilet paper I've been using.
- They played club music in the dining hall this morning.
- This video.
- I actually looked good tonight.
- Food. Specifically, burgers topped with avocado and melted cheese.
- I have friends who make me smile.
- Special hugs in certain stairwells.
What made your day great?
On Repeat: Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun
Friday, April 12, 2013
On Being Insecure
I'm not worth it.
I'm not good enough.
These are the things I tell myself on a daily basis. When I go to a friend's house, I won't even eat her food because I don't want to take anything I may not be able to give back. If I see the boy I like talking to another girl, I'll back off and force away all feelings I have for him because there's no way I could compare to her. I'll be there to listen to my friend cry about her problems at 3 in the morning, but if I'm depressed, I won't dare burden anyone with my dour feelings.
I hate this about myself. Thinking back to this school year and every night I cried myself to sleep or stared lifelessly out the window, I find that my depressive state always leads back to me thinking badly about myself.
In most relationships, I feel awkward, annoying, inexperienced, and boring. I'm too weird, or what I talk about isn't interesting, or I've never done what they've done before so I must be bad at it. These thoughts are what propel me into thinking I'm not worth their time, money, or feelings.
What I hate the most about this though is how it must make those around me feel. If they knew what I was thinking, would that make them feel like bad friends? Would they feel inadequate knowing I never feel worthy of their investment? In actuality, I'm incredibly grateful for the people who've shown they want to be in my life. I go out of my way to do special things for them, shower them with positive affirmations, and acknowledge when they make me feel good. Yet the negative thoughts keep coming back, despite how much love they show me. And that will always be a problem I have with myself. I'll keep backing away and believing no one cares. I will continue to disappoint people while people continue to disappoint me.
Even with all of this messed up stuff, you'll still catch me being the happiest person alive. I yo-yo between loving life and people and spreading kindness to secluding myself from everyone and wanting to curl up into a ball until the world ends.
Humans; we're so complicated. (Though next week I'll probably be saying we're so simple.)
On Repeat: "Boy You'll Forget" - Dave Days
EDIT: Shortly after posting this, I watched a video by meekakitty on youtube and I thought she said perfectly what I wanted to say, but never really said at all. Watch her video on empathy here. "Intellectually, we know that's not true, but it's hard not to feel that way."
I'm not good enough.
These are the things I tell myself on a daily basis. When I go to a friend's house, I won't even eat her food because I don't want to take anything I may not be able to give back. If I see the boy I like talking to another girl, I'll back off and force away all feelings I have for him because there's no way I could compare to her. I'll be there to listen to my friend cry about her problems at 3 in the morning, but if I'm depressed, I won't dare burden anyone with my dour feelings.
I hate this about myself. Thinking back to this school year and every night I cried myself to sleep or stared lifelessly out the window, I find that my depressive state always leads back to me thinking badly about myself.
In most relationships, I feel awkward, annoying, inexperienced, and boring. I'm too weird, or what I talk about isn't interesting, or I've never done what they've done before so I must be bad at it. These thoughts are what propel me into thinking I'm not worth their time, money, or feelings.
What I hate the most about this though is how it must make those around me feel. If they knew what I was thinking, would that make them feel like bad friends? Would they feel inadequate knowing I never feel worthy of their investment? In actuality, I'm incredibly grateful for the people who've shown they want to be in my life. I go out of my way to do special things for them, shower them with positive affirmations, and acknowledge when they make me feel good. Yet the negative thoughts keep coming back, despite how much love they show me. And that will always be a problem I have with myself. I'll keep backing away and believing no one cares. I will continue to disappoint people while people continue to disappoint me.
Even with all of this messed up stuff, you'll still catch me being the happiest person alive. I yo-yo between loving life and people and spreading kindness to secluding myself from everyone and wanting to curl up into a ball until the world ends.
Humans; we're so complicated. (Though next week I'll probably be saying we're so simple.)
On Repeat: "Boy You'll Forget" - Dave Days
EDIT: Shortly after posting this, I watched a video by meekakitty on youtube and I thought she said perfectly what I wanted to say, but never really said at all. Watch her video on empathy here. "Intellectually, we know that's not true, but it's hard not to feel that way."
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
i miss twitter
May or may not be eating my way through a bag of Whoppers Robin Eggs until my throat is swollen through sweet, sugary induction.
May or may not be on the fourth floor of the library dancing in my seat to Hot Chelle Rae's "Downtown Girl." Intoxicated.
May or may not be justifying my procrastination of my religion essay by believing this post is essential to my creative thinking.
May or may not be dreaming of breakfast for dinner, dancing in the rain, and being in the arms of my favorite boy.
On Repeat: "Downtown Girl" - Hot Chelle Rae
May or may not be on the fourth floor of the library dancing in my seat to Hot Chelle Rae's "Downtown Girl." Intoxicated.
May or may not be justifying my procrastination of my religion essay by believing this post is essential to my creative thinking.
May or may not be dreaming of breakfast for dinner, dancing in the rain, and being in the arms of my favorite boy.
On Repeat: "Downtown Girl" - Hot Chelle Rae
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Love, Hate, Ship
I love lists.
Or more accurately, I love documenting my life, my thoughts, and my feelings. As an extremely nostalgic person, I never want to forget anything. So I have a composition notebook that I fill with my favorite things: quotes, songs, bromances, quirky personality traits, anything.
So here is a little taste of me and what catches my attention:
Things I Love:
Maybe I'll share a new list every Saturday. Cuz dis be muh blog and I do wut I want.
Or more accurately, I love documenting my life, my thoughts, and my feelings. As an extremely nostalgic person, I never want to forget anything. So I have a composition notebook that I fill with my favorite things: quotes, songs, bromances, quirky personality traits, anything.
So here is a little taste of me and what catches my attention:
Things I Love:
- Jimmy John's #4 Turkey Tom
- Random gifts
- Anthony Michael Hall circa 1985
- When people sit at the ends of rows in auditoriums, forcing you to climb over them
- Italian dressing
- Walking barefoot outside
- Cory x Shawn
- Larry Stylinson
- Malfie (Marcus Butler x Alfie Deyes)
Maybe I'll share a new list every Saturday. Cuz dis be muh blog and I do wut I want.
A Year Ago Today #1
"I DIDN'T HEAR YOU SAY 'GO'," I screamed in fun at Laura as I scrambled to make up for lost time in our race to the eleventh floor.
It was at this moment, as I was sprinting up the stairs of the Searfarers & International House, that I realized I had three new best friends. Travis and Will who were competing on the other two sets of stairs, and Laura who was timing us from the hotel lobby.
All it took was four days for us to form a bond so close. Four days of unforgettable adventures in New York City for us to share so many inside jokes. Four days for me to see that these were the people I never again wanted to live without.
How swift and easy we were able to become friends was what made me so attached. Normally, I'm super quiet with new people, my mind clogged with anxiety-ridden thoughts. But these three were different. On the first day of our mission trip I was already letting my weirdness seep out of my bones, not caring for the first time how people were going to judge me. Maybe it was because I was older than everyone else. Maybe it was because I was in a city I'd never been to and was ready to let go. Mostly though, I think it was because the four of us were introverts. We understood each other from the beginning and felt we had a place to belong among the mass of outgoing people on the trip.
Travis and Will were already on the highest story when I finally reached them. "I gave you guys a head start," I mumbled in defeat. We spent the rest of the night riding the elevator from ground level to top floor, reciting quotes from our favorite movies, and laughing at the stupidest things.
That was a year ago today.
In the 365 days since then, I've seen Travis eight more times, Laura four times, and Will once. It's been months since any of us have tried to contact each other. So what happened?
How could we go from craving each other's company to rarely talking to each other at all? I considered them my best friends, so why did I let them fall away so easily?
The answer is one I've been faced with far too many times in my life. It's not bothering to put in the effort required to keep a relationship. It's being too comfortable with where things are to see that things are actually breaking. It's taking time you spend with someone for granted.
I hate that I don't realize these things until it's too late.
People, friendships, relationships. They're precious. Take care of them.
I miss you.
On Repeat: "Radioactive" - Imagine Dragons (Holy frick I want to lose my virginity to this song, sink into the ocean to this song, eat brownie batter to this song, die to this song)
It was at this moment, as I was sprinting up the stairs of the Searfarers & International House, that I realized I had three new best friends. Travis and Will who were competing on the other two sets of stairs, and Laura who was timing us from the hotel lobby.
All it took was four days for us to form a bond so close. Four days of unforgettable adventures in New York City for us to share so many inside jokes. Four days for me to see that these were the people I never again wanted to live without.
How swift and easy we were able to become friends was what made me so attached. Normally, I'm super quiet with new people, my mind clogged with anxiety-ridden thoughts. But these three were different. On the first day of our mission trip I was already letting my weirdness seep out of my bones, not caring for the first time how people were going to judge me. Maybe it was because I was older than everyone else. Maybe it was because I was in a city I'd never been to and was ready to let go. Mostly though, I think it was because the four of us were introverts. We understood each other from the beginning and felt we had a place to belong among the mass of outgoing people on the trip.
Travis and Will were already on the highest story when I finally reached them. "I gave you guys a head start," I mumbled in defeat. We spent the rest of the night riding the elevator from ground level to top floor, reciting quotes from our favorite movies, and laughing at the stupidest things.
That was a year ago today.
In the 365 days since then, I've seen Travis eight more times, Laura four times, and Will once. It's been months since any of us have tried to contact each other. So what happened?
How could we go from craving each other's company to rarely talking to each other at all? I considered them my best friends, so why did I let them fall away so easily?
The answer is one I've been faced with far too many times in my life. It's not bothering to put in the effort required to keep a relationship. It's being too comfortable with where things are to see that things are actually breaking. It's taking time you spend with someone for granted.
I hate that I don't realize these things until it's too late.
People, friendships, relationships. They're precious. Take care of them.
I miss you.
On Repeat: "Radioactive" - Imagine Dragons (Holy frick I want to lose my virginity to this song, sink into the ocean to this song, eat brownie batter to this song, die to this song)
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