I'm a Chloe

While watching Jonas Brothers music videos on youtube, I came across this video by Emblem3 with a message that absolutely made my jaw drop -- out of appreciation.

The song is called "Chloe" and after hearing the first set of lyrics ("Chloe, I know your sister turns everyone on, but you're the one I want"), I thought it was going to touch on all the reasons why a particular girl named Chloe should think she's just as attractive as her sister. Without further interpretation, the song does fit this expectation, however, the video that goes along with it provides a whole new message -- one that doesn't simply apply to one girl, but to all girls who've ever felt like they weren't good enough.

After watching the video, you see that Chloe isn't a specific girl, but a term used to refer to the girl who feels nonexistent because she's not a part of the queen bees; the girl who sits quietly wishing that cute boy from math class would notice her; the girl who's sick of believing she has to dress or act a certain way in order to get some attention. The guys of Emblem3 are desperate for Chloe to know that she is worth it, she is beautiful, and she most definitely does not have to worry about measuring up to the Regina Geroges of the world.

I have spent my entire life being a Chloe.  All of my friends are Chloes.  Heck, I bet even the girls who have every guy's attention have felt like Chloes at some point. Thinking no guy will ever like you, or that you'll never be as physically or emotionally attractive as the other girls, let's be honest, fricking sucks. That's why this song makes me so happy. It aims at giving girls confidence and a chance to feel good about themselves. It brings out the truth that I needed to hear all through middle and high school, and even college: You are beautiful and incredible just the way you are, and no other girl is better or worse than you.

Even though the only Chloe I've ever met in my life is actually the kind of girl this song is not about (the popular American Beauty who every guy lusts over), I'm still obsessed with this track. Way to go, Emblem3, for writing a song every boy band should stand for.


On Repeat: "Chloe (You're The One I Want)" - Emblem3 (DUH)
Days until California: 60
Days until I no longer have to work at Subway: 81

Bad Girls Club

I just had a five minute conversation with my friend discussing whether a smiley face or an exclamation point would be better to end a text to the guy she wants to bang. Then we spent the next two hours talking about vagina-shaving and the likeliness of a pool date ending with a hook up, among other things. Every girl should have one of these friends.

I met Pegah in ninth grade. And though I still can't spell her last name without having to check facebook for a confirmation on the lettering (13 letters is a lot, not to mention the lack of vowels in the middle!), she is easily one of my best friends.

Our special bond was formed over numerous all-nighters spent watching Mary-Kate and Ashley movies ("Everyone has a hobby, right? Well you're mine."), eating large quantities of food with even larger quantities of carbs (Fatties USA), and making every interaction we had with a cute boy a big deal ("We've never talked except this one time he opened the door for me and I said thank you and he said you're welcome."). 

One of my favorite things about her is how valuable she makes me feel. Even if I spent the entire weekend reading books, she'll want to know all the details, turning the smallest things into noteworthy experiences. So on the rare occasion that I have exciting things to say about my life, she's usually the first person I tell, because she'll fire me with questions whereas my other friends will simply make a brief comment and then talk about something else.

She is a German-Persian-American beauty with a talent for delivering one-liners so funny that you wonder why she's never made her own comedy tape. Even so, it would take days to list all the reasons why she's so incredibly great. Since she moved to California after our sophomore year, I've only been able to see her for a few weeks each year in the summer, but we're still as close as if I saw her everyday. Those are my favorite kinds of friendships -- where we can go months without seeing each other, but pick up right where we left off.  Finally, the demands of life don't steal something from me.

I love you Pegs! I still have your text from 2010 when you said, "I wish we became friends the minute I moved to Michigan in 5th grade...You are truly my bestest friend in the whole entire world."

 

 

not all of my friends write "ball lickers" across their stomachs with permanent marker

On Repeat: rainymood.com
Days until Colorado: 22
Days until California: 62
Days until I no longer have to work at Subway:83

I have the best brother in the world

One of the greatest people in my life is my brother. Though I could compile an extensive list of all the reasons why he's the absolute best, I think what it boils down to is how he makes an effort to be a positive part of my life. Over the school year, he set a weekly reminder on his phone to call me every Tuesday. He gives me Christmas gifts that he makes himself. Even with a girlfriend, he still makes time to hang out with me. Put in less detail, he is one of the kindest, most verbally entertaining, and compassionate people I know.

I'm so glad he's home for the summer, because he's always been my running buddy. Tonight, when he finished running his mile around the track and I still had one more lap to go, he ran a few paces behind me and said, "Don't stop, or I'll crash into you. I'm your incentive to keep going." In that moment, when I was on the verge of giving up, that was the nicest thing anyone could have done for me.

I sometimes worry about having kids in the future because I'm afraid they won't have a relationship like my brother and I do. I know so many people who hate their siblings, some who haven't willingly spoken to their brother or sister in years. If my kids wished their siblings didn't exist, I wouldn't feel like I had a real family. (I'm not saying great sibling relationships are what constitute a real family; rather, I'd feel as if my family was imperfect -- not in the acceptable way that all families are.)

Our relationship isn't all sunshine and daisies, don't get me wrong. There have been times where I swore I would never speak to him again because of some offensive thing or another.  I can never stay mad at him for long though; he always finds a way to infect me with his sweetness or alluring quirkiness again. All in all, I'm extremely lucky to say I have the best brother in the world.

Supa Cheesay, Ow! also three years old...

Starting now, I declare this week Thank You For Being In My Life; I Love You; Let's Hug Week!...erm, I mean People Appreciation Week. Everyday, I'll dedicate a post to someone who has made my life brighter, happier, or more fun. I am blessed with so many great friends in my life; it's time I show them a little more love. Yeah, a week is definitely not enough.

On Repeat: "What's Up" - 4 Non Blondes (It's just stuck in my head. Get it outttttt!)
Days until Colorado: 29
Days until California: 71
Days until I  no longer have to work at Subway: 90

It's my birthday, how many subs can I make for you?

Today was my nineteenth birthday.
It was also the worst birthday I've ever had.
No, it wasn't awful and nothing particularly bad happened, but compared to past birthdays, today wasn't like the others -- its wasn't special.

I got up at 5am, worked at Subway for 9 hours, went out to dinner at a sketchy Mexican restaurant, and got ice cream with a couple friends.

There were no candles, no gifts, no eternal feeling that today is my birthday.

I guess this is what it's like to be an adult. Many of your friends forget to wish you a happy birthday; no one bothers to give you a card; you get up early, you work, you do chores. The sparkle that normally comes with the day of your birth is simply gone.

It's the same as any other day.

There was no build-up beforehand. No anticipation. Just the cold realization that life isn't the same.

For one day I just wanted to be special. Is that too much to ask for?

***

So I wrote the above portion yesterday when I was in a particularly self-obsessed, self-hating mood (surprise, surprise).  My birthday actually ended pretty well in that cheesy, all-together-with-friends-and-family way.

Some highlights:

• A girl at Subway told me my "smile is contagious."
• A good friend of mine dropped off a Disney princess themed Build-A-Bear on my doorstep. 
• Two of my other friends came over with another Disney-themed gift.
• I had the best brownie hot fudge sundae at my favorite ice cream place.

~and the world is beautiful again~

On Repeat: "Owner of a Lonely Heart" - Yes
Currently Reading: Dreams of Significant Girls by Cristina Garcia (I promise it's not about lesbians)
Days until Colorado: 30
Days until California: 72
Days until I  no longer have to work at Subway: 91

Things and more things

Things I did today:

• Had my morning coffee with AlmondJoy creamer and jammed to Simple Plan.
• Made subs for six hours and somehow didn't reek of onions at the end of it.
• Ran a mile without stopping! No, I'm lying. I only ran 1200 meters and walked the rest.
• Danced wildly to this song and tripped over my cat while doing so.
• Cheated on my diet by eating 4 pieces of chocolate and 2 oreos.
• Now that I think of it, I also had a subway cookie. Fuck.
• Reunited with the carpet in my bedroom by finally picking up all the crap on my floor.

Would you look at that! I have pictures, cuz y'all care so much about the conditions of my bedroom...
Just kidding, Blogger is being a turd and won't upload any pictures from my camera. Just know it took me 12 days to clean my room...and by clean I mean throw everything into a box and/or on my desk.
Here, have a picture of chocolate chip pancakes that I stole from the internet instead because that will actually upload. Blogger knows what's important.

I WANT YOU IN MY BELLY

More things:

• I wish there was more time in a day.
• I wish I had the body of Emma Watson.
• I wish I was better at texting.
• I wish I would stop focusing on myself and all of my negative qualities.

One of the bullet points in this post is a lie.

On Repeat: "Get Lucky" - Daft Punk
Days until Colorado: 35
Youtube video of the day: Finding Love (rom-com style)

All You Wanted Was Sombody Who Cares

Rain is the perfect background noise to accompany long periods of time spent thinking about life. Tonight, before I got out of my car after dropping my friend off at her house, I glanced up at the crescent moon and soon the rain began to fall. I sat there for several minutes just staring at the sky through my window until I simply decided to stay and get comfortable. The darkness brought by a midnight moon combined with the eerie shadows of the dancing trees made for a perfect backdrop for thought. And of course, the calming sound of drizzle on the car's roof.

I thought about the upcoming summer. Actually, summer has already had its place in my life for over a week now, but it hasn't felt like it at all. I took my job at Subway again because I can't afford the school I go to, but I never thought I'd hate working there so much. I used to enjoy the routine of making subs, preparing bins of food, and cleaning, but after doing that for an entire week with one day off, I'm dreading going into work tomorrow morning. Standing on my feet for more than six hours, sometimes nine hours? Yeah, it's not fun. Reeking of onions and cold cut combo after a shift? Absolutely repulsive. Being an introvert and having to interact with people for half the day? Emotionally draining. And that last part is the worst.

True, I can handle talking to customers with a smile plastered on my face, but it's when I get home from work that absolutely kills my mood. I always come home wanting to be alone so that I can regain my energy, but that means pushing away my family and friends. As I retreated to my bedroom the other day, my mother whined from the distance, "I never get to be with you anymore." Then today after spending more than 24 hours with one of my best friends, I had to tell her to go home because I needed time to myself, and she looked truly sad, for herself or for me, I'm not sure.

You see, it's giving in to people that hurts the most. Telling my friends, "Yeah, we can hang out," because I don't want to disappoint them when in reality, all I want to do is curl up in bed and read a book. Averaging 30 hours a week at Subway while trying to get a decent amount of sleep doesn't leave a lot of time to be alone AND be with my family and friends. So I'm left with the choice of pleasing myself or pleasing others. Because I find it so hard to say no to people, I spend my free time with friends and leave myself no room to recharge. As a result, I'm cranky and ill-tempered and wishing a car would hit me. No joke.

I love my friends and I do want to spend my summer going on adventures with them, but having a time-demanding job makes it so hard. I'm challenged with being able to say no while still giving my friends and family the love they deserve. As of right now though, it's all too much.


On Repeat: "All You Wanted" - Michelle Branch
Currently Reading: Time Between Us by Tamara Ireland Stone
Days left of being 18: 5
Days until California: 78
Days until I no longer have to work at Subway: 97

The Post About Tights

Some people are obsessed with energy drinks or the smell of sunscreen or following the downward spiral of a celebrity. Me, I'm obsessed with tights.

I've always been attracted to obnoxious, unconventional, eye-catching patterns, and that's why I'm so drawn to the tights section in any clothing store. These days, they offer so many different designs and thicknesses that it seems they'd be impossible to pair with any outfit. My favorite kinds, though, are the ones that don't match with anything. If life were a cartoon, bubbly pink hearts would float above my head every time I saw a unique pair.

bows - paisley - flowers - favorite - peacock - renaissance

These are my fun ones that I get to wear, like, never because it's so hard to find something that matches. I mean, I'm totally for the outrageous outfit, but I don't want to look crazy. Unfortunately, having a liking for funky patterns means all my dresses and skirts are far from plain. In other words, I can't mix bold tights with an equally bold dress; that's just too much. So usually I only wear these while at home when I know I won't be judged for looking like a four-year-old who got to pick out her clothes for the first time.

When I feel like torturing myself, I search online for cool tights that I know I'll never be able to have. Here are a few of my favorites:

• Cats
• Tie-Dye (#7001)
• Freaking Vegetables!
• More Cats
• Sexy

Summer is always a little disappointing because it means I don't get to wear my thicker tights. It also means people expect to see bare legs, but I don't feel comfortable in skirts or dresses without wearing tights too. If I had more confidence, I'd find ways to wear tights with every outfit, but for now, I'll stick to wearing them once every week or so, nothing too daring.  Oh, and I'll keep buying them too, as it's been a habit of mine to get a new pair every time I went home from college.


On Repeat: "Come & Get It" - Selena Gomez