A Year Ago Today #2

 A year ago today, I stuffed my Astro van to the ceiling with all the essentials people need for their freshman year of college. I sat in the back seat and felt my stomach drop and knot as my mind became a breeding ground for nervous thoughts. I met my first ever roommates. I made small talk and pretended I was excited to be eating lunch with people I just met. My dad embarrassed me. My mom made my blood boil. I cried when they left two days later. I was alone while strangers slept beside me.

That was a year ago.

This time around, getting ready to go back to college was less big of a deal than deciding where my family was going to eat for a goodbye dinner. This time, I didn't worry.

Because I got a job in my school's writing center, I had to move in early for training. The only other people on campus until today have been students with jobs. Then the freshman started arriving, and I've been wishing I were one of them. I walked around the central spot on campus while all the freshman were gathered in groups for ice-breaker activities and I wanted so much to be in their shoes. Freshman year oozes a sense of possibility and wonderment. When you immerse yourself into something so new so quick, you believe anything is possible. My 18-year-old self discovered right away, however, that the longer you wait to pursue new things, the harder it is to make a change in yourself.

I wanted to be the girl who could stay out late with large groups of people, but my introversion and need for sleep got the best of me. I wanted to be the one who started conversation with classmates, but I was easily intimidated. I wanted to be someone that people eagerly asked to be partners with, but I believed I was boring, so others did too. Soon enough, my freshman year became a sort of death sentence. I had more anxiety and depression than any other time in my life. I also lost any relationship I had with God even though my school is know for being Christian.

So seeing the freshman in a place where I was a year ago gives me a new sense of possibility. I can still be all the things I wanted to be last year. I can be anyone I want. The good thing about being a sophomore is that college isn't a surprise. I know what to expect, so this time I don't need to be so nervous. I have friends, a job, and considerably less anxiety than last year. I  can do anything I want and I can't wait to try.  

A message my friend wrote on our last day of freshman year

On Repeat: "Shiver Shake" - Royal Hoax
This is me filling up space where other countdowns and things should go, but I have nothing to put so here are words...do you have any suggestions for new endnotes?

Also, fun fact: I met my boyfriend a year ago today, even though we didn't start talking until the end of January. I like him; he says things like "I imagine so."