A year ago today and other ramblings

Hey folks! It's been a while, huh? To acknowledge my lack of blogging presence in A YEAR, I'm going to steal the words of Hayley Hoover: "There's something really weird about a twenty-two-year-old woman writing in the same blog that contains her high-school-sophomore angst. I feel like I'm disturbing a haunted tomb or something." While blogging about my life is not something I'm interested in anymore, it just wouldn't be me if I didn't write something nostalgic on the anniversary of my last post. Don't expect anything inspiring. I'm just writing what comes to mind.


Per tradition, let's dive in to what I did "a year ago today" (you can tell I've been watching too many youtube lifestyle videos)...
I was doing my best not to cry in public because my boyfriend at the time left for bootcamp that day, but I had to go to work at the writing center. So I greeted my friends at work and told them how sad I was, and then I sat at the middle work table and listened to Hummingbird until someone came in looking for help with a paper. Jenny, who was working the reception desk, came to my table with a guy and said, "Erika, this is my good friend Raoul. Be good to him." And during our appointment, I forgot I had just said goodbye to all contact with my boyfriend, and I actually turned happy. Raoul was the best person I have ever helped with a paper. He was so charming and receptive and he literally kept saying: "This is great;" "So good!" "I'm gonna bring all my papers here." To receive such a reaction from a freshman was fantastic and affirming, and I believed for a second that my life wasn't going to be so bad.

Looking back (man, I just love reflection! try it sometime.), I can see that in the midst of my suffering, God was telling me that everything was going to be okay. That brighter days were up ahead despite my heartache.  

So Raoul and I dated for a while this past semester. Our relationship ended when the semester did because I left for an off-campus study in New York City and I didn't want a long distance relationship. In our time apart, we still kept up with each other, but he did a few things that I personally would not tolerate or accept as a romantic friend. The things were almost unforgivable, but I'm a forgiving person, so I shut him out of my life instead of hating him. I opened up to a friend about him and my problems, and it was amazing the perspective I gained from seeking support. I got over him so quickly after that. So when he called me a week later to tell me how stressed he was, I wasn't angry for what he had done to me in the past, but I was happy he was confounding in me. He told me about his girl problems and how stressed he was this semester. Then he asked if I was over him and I honestly considered saying no because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I realized how stupid that was considering how much he hurt me. So I said yes. It felt so good to say what I meant instead of lying to save his feelings. And now we're friends and I like it so much better than when we were dating. I am just so happy with how mature I am handling life situations lately. I don't want to come off as arrogant, but I want you to know that you don't have to hold grudges! That if you forgive someone and learn from the mistakes you made, you will be so much happier. 

People matter. If they meant something to you before, why shouldn't they mean something to you now? For example, my first boyfriend broke my heart and won't talk to me anymore, but I would still take a bullet for him. I looked him up on Facebook today because it's a special day, January 28. He had changed his profile picture and you know what I did when I saw his face? I smiled. BECAUSE HE LOOKED HAPPY. He appeared to be on the beach and the sun was peeking out behind him, making his face all glowey, and he was smiling. IT WAS A SELFIE. He never smiled for selfies. And right there in the FIKA coffee shop, I smiled at him on my computer screen. To me, it's a sign of maturation when you smile for the happiness of someone who meant so much to you, even though things didn't end well. Time makes the pain people caused you irrelevant. And I smiled back at his smiling face and I wanted to cry out of happiness. I didn't think of anything that happened between us. I just looked at him like he was someone I care about. Because he is. And even though we'll never talk again, I still have to be happy. I choose to be happy. Because life is too short to be anything else. I ain't got time for regrets.

So basically, this has been a giant slab of word vomit. My vision before writing this was to write about how much I have changed and matured in a year, but that tanked big time. I just wanted to keep the January 28 tradition alive. And I know the only other person reading this will be Erin, but I doubt she'll check this for another few months. And maybe my blogger friend Sara. Hey Sara! :)

I'm sorry you read this. If you couldn't tell, I kind of hate writing these days and that's why this sucked so much. I just love people and being kind and getting over myself so that I can live a happy life.

A Year Ago Today #3

On January 28, 2013, I attended another knitting club meeting at which I made no progress on whatever it is a person can make with 20 feet of yarn. I searched for plane tickets to California, dreaming about actually traveling there in the summer (I did!). I went to bible study, attended an info meeting, and probably ate fewer french fries than I would have liked. Today, I don't want to talk about cafeteria food or failed knitting projects, but something that has had a huge impact on the person I came to be within the past 365 days. A year ago today, I asked the cute boy in my German class to study with me.

Okay, so I didn't do anything "Rosa Parks Life-Changing," but the story that follows the moment I said, "I'm working on German homework if you want to join me," has brought new direction to my life as I discovered myself and fell in love for the first time. It sounds cheesy (and it probably is), but looking back, the sum of my life in the past year has been what it is because of that moment. You should read this because my story shows how one action -- one person -- can change your world.

Him and I were already talking in class at this point, but we barely acknowledged that we lived in the same dorm, so it was an awkward surprise for us to run into each other in the basement of our residence hall after class that day. He was looking to shave his head in a room with tile floor, and I was searching for a quiet spot to do homework. After he gave himself a haircut, he passed me again and I asked him to join me. I could tell he was nervous, but I was trying to figure out how to act around him too. From that day on, we started walking back to our dorm together from class and we'd study together once every week or so. Six days short of a month later, he taped his number to my door after I skipped class, saying to text him for the assignment. In March, we used every excuse we could to be with each other. On the 25th, I told him I liked him, and two days later he kissed me for the first time. We call April 4th the official day we started dating.

The first picture we ever took together :)

In the early months after we first studied together, my boring college life finally had some excitement. As I explained in a blog post before, I had close to no experience being with a boy who liked me back, so my time with him was fun, addicting, and always a surprise. We've been dating for close to 10 months now and I cannot imagine my life being the way it is now had it not been for him. All it took was for me to step outside of my comfort zone for a moment and invite a guy to study with me. This fact is so simple and seemingly uneventful that I can't help but laugh. Every single one of us has the opportunity to do something different. Whether it's inviting the shy girl at lunch to sit with you and your friends or submitting your work to a research celebration, the smallest choices you make can have a massive impact on the direction your life is going.

Do something spontaneous today. Reach out to someone new. That thing you've always wanted to try, but never thought you were good enough for? Stop doubting and start doing! You and I both know your excuses are easily countered.

Exactly a year after my journey with this boy began, his life is about to change drastically. He has enlisted in the Navy and ships for boot camp today. Except for letters, we can't contact each other for two months. After that, he goes to school for 18 months in a place that's five states away. It saddens me to the core knowing I won't get to be there as he experiences all these new things, but I'm so excited for where our lives will go in the next year. I know we'll break up someday because of how different our goals are, but I will be forever grateful for the friend I have in this boy. He is so incredible. I can't picture my life without him. To think it all started a year ago today...

A Year Ago Today #2

 A year ago today, I stuffed my Astro van to the ceiling with all the essentials people need for their freshman year of college. I sat in the back seat and felt my stomach drop and knot as my mind became a breeding ground for nervous thoughts. I met my first ever roommates. I made small talk and pretended I was excited to be eating lunch with people I just met. My dad embarrassed me. My mom made my blood boil. I cried when they left two days later. I was alone while strangers slept beside me.

That was a year ago.

This time around, getting ready to go back to college was less big of a deal than deciding where my family was going to eat for a goodbye dinner. This time, I didn't worry.

Because I got a job in my school's writing center, I had to move in early for training. The only other people on campus until today have been students with jobs. Then the freshman started arriving, and I've been wishing I were one of them. I walked around the central spot on campus while all the freshman were gathered in groups for ice-breaker activities and I wanted so much to be in their shoes. Freshman year oozes a sense of possibility and wonderment. When you immerse yourself into something so new so quick, you believe anything is possible. My 18-year-old self discovered right away, however, that the longer you wait to pursue new things, the harder it is to make a change in yourself.

I wanted to be the girl who could stay out late with large groups of people, but my introversion and need for sleep got the best of me. I wanted to be the one who started conversation with classmates, but I was easily intimidated. I wanted to be someone that people eagerly asked to be partners with, but I believed I was boring, so others did too. Soon enough, my freshman year became a sort of death sentence. I had more anxiety and depression than any other time in my life. I also lost any relationship I had with God even though my school is know for being Christian.

So seeing the freshman in a place where I was a year ago gives me a new sense of possibility. I can still be all the things I wanted to be last year. I can be anyone I want. The good thing about being a sophomore is that college isn't a surprise. I know what to expect, so this time I don't need to be so nervous. I have friends, a job, and considerably less anxiety than last year. I  can do anything I want and I can't wait to try.  

A message my friend wrote on our last day of freshman year

On Repeat: "Shiver Shake" - Royal Hoax
This is me filling up space where other countdowns and things should go, but I have nothing to put so here are words...do you have any suggestions for new endnotes?

Also, fun fact: I met my boyfriend a year ago today, even though we didn't start talking until the end of January. I like him; he says things like "I imagine so."

A Year Ago Today #1

"I  DIDN'T HEAR YOU SAY 'GO'," I screamed in fun at Laura as I scrambled to make up for lost time in our race to the eleventh floor. 

It was at this moment, as I was sprinting up the stairs of the Searfarers & International House, that I realized I had three new best friends. Travis and Will who were competing on the other two sets of stairs, and Laura who was timing us from the hotel lobby.

All it took was four days for us to form a bond so close. Four days of unforgettable adventures in New York City for us to share so many inside jokes. Four days for me to see that these were the people I never again wanted to live without.

How swift and easy we were able to become friends was what made me so attached. Normally, I'm super quiet with new people, my mind clogged with anxiety-ridden thoughts.  But these three were different. On the first day of our mission trip I was already letting my weirdness seep out of my bones, not caring for the first time how people were going to judge me. Maybe it was because I was older than everyone else. Maybe it was because I was in a city I'd never been to and was ready to let go. Mostly though, I think it was because the four of us were introverts. We understood each other from the beginning and felt we had a place to belong among the mass of outgoing people on the trip.

Travis and Will were already on the highest story when I finally reached them. "I gave you guys a head start," I mumbled in defeat. We spent the rest of the night riding the elevator from ground level to top floor, reciting quotes from our favorite movies, and laughing at the stupidest things. 

That was a year ago today.

In the 365 days since then, I've seen Travis eight more times, Laura four times, and Will once. It's been months since any of us have tried to contact each other.  So what happened?

How could we go from craving each other's company to rarely talking to each other at all?  I considered them my best friends, so why did I let them fall away so easily?

The answer is one I've been faced with far too many times in my life. It's not bothering to put in the effort required to keep a relationship.  It's being too comfortable with where things are to see that things are actually breaking. It's taking time you spend with someone for granted.

I hate that I don't realize these things until it's too late.

People, friendships, relationships. They're precious.  Take care of them.

I miss you.




On Repeat: "Radioactive" - Imagine Dragons (Holy frick I want to lose my virginity to this song, sink into the ocean to this song, eat brownie batter to this song, die to this song)