Rain is the perfect background noise to accompany long periods of time spent thinking about life. Tonight, before I got out of my car after dropping my friend off at her house, I glanced up at the crescent moon and soon the rain began to fall. I sat there for several minutes just staring at the sky through my window until I simply decided to stay and get comfortable. The darkness brought by a midnight moon combined with the eerie shadows of the dancing trees made for a perfect backdrop for thought. And of course, the calming sound of drizzle on the car's roof.
I thought about the upcoming summer. Actually, summer has already had its place in my life for over a week now, but it hasn't felt like it at all. I took my job at Subway again because I can't afford the school I go to, but I never thought I'd hate working there so much. I used to enjoy the routine of making subs, preparing bins of food, and cleaning, but after doing that for an entire week with one day off, I'm dreading going into work tomorrow morning. Standing on my feet for more than six hours, sometimes nine hours? Yeah, it's not fun. Reeking of onions and cold cut combo after a shift? Absolutely repulsive. Being an introvert and having to interact with people for half the day? Emotionally draining. And that last part is the worst.
True, I can handle talking to customers with a smile plastered on my face, but it's when I get home from work that absolutely kills my mood. I always come home wanting to be alone so that I can regain my energy, but that means pushing away my family and friends. As I retreated to my bedroom the other day, my mother whined from the distance, "I never get to be with you anymore." Then today after spending more than 24 hours with one of my best friends, I had to tell her to go home because I needed time to myself, and she looked truly sad, for herself or for me, I'm not sure.
You see, it's giving in to people that hurts the most. Telling my friends, "Yeah, we can hang out," because I don't want to disappoint them when in reality, all I want to do is curl up in bed and read a book. Averaging 30 hours a week at Subway while trying to get a decent amount of sleep doesn't leave a lot of time to be alone AND be with my family and friends. So I'm left with the choice of pleasing myself or pleasing others. Because I find it so hard to say no to people, I spend my free time with friends and leave myself no room to recharge. As a result, I'm cranky and ill-tempered and wishing a car would hit me. No joke.
I love my friends and I do want to spend my summer going on adventures with them, but having a time-demanding job makes it so hard. I'm challenged with being able to say no while still giving my friends and family the love they deserve. As of right now though, it's all too much.
On Repeat: "All You Wanted" - Michelle Branch
Currently Reading: Time Between Us by Tamara Ireland Stone
Days left of being 18: 5
Days until California: 78
Days until I no longer have to work at Subway: 97
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