Your book sucks

There are few things I love more than breakfast for dinner, movies where the main characters risk their lives for the ones they love, and reading book reviews that tear apart an author's work.

Yup, I get my kicks from the trash talkin' book reviewers of the world.

When I finish reading a book that was so awful I wonder how it even got published, I head to Goodreads to find the dirtiest reviews. I can't really explain why they're so fun to read, but it's kinda like being told juicy gossip in jaw-dropping detail. The good ones usually rate the book two stars or less and file it under shelves like why-author-why and wish-i-never-read. They're even more entertaining when they use gifs to illustrate their reactions.

A few golden snippets come from a reader's review of Simone Elkeles's Wild Cards:

Derek is the hot, troublesome bad boy (except that he's NOT, why does everybody keep SAYING THAT, he literally goes around charming little children and doing the yard-work unasked, he's not bad at all you idiots).

Also, Ashtyn, just because a guy knows how to make breakfast, doesn't mean he must have spent a lot of time with his mother. Guys are capable of scrambling eggs and do not actually require women to show them how. They, like females, require sustenance for continuing to be alive.

And even better from someone's thoughts on Something Like Fate by Susane Colasanti:

In college, some of my friends and I would entertain ourselves for countless hours by playing a game in which you have to quote the price necessary for you to do a task. For instance, they might ask me how much it would take to let one of them slap me across the face. (probably like 10 dollars) Or for me to take a shot of my own urine--ehhh, probably like 50 bucks. Relevance to this review? I think someone would have to pay me about 100 dollars for me to ever listen to another Susane Colasanti audiobook.

I know I already ranted in a status update about the stupid reasons the two main characters believed they were “soulmates” in this book but here are a few in case you missed it: they both like raspberries, they both like to abbreviate words while speaking, they both like to watch hot air balloons, and they both compare the bottled water they drink to colors and shapes. (WTF?) Put me in a room with anyone, ANYONE, and I can find at least that much random crap that we have in common. 

Are you addicted yet? There's no way I'm the only one who enjoys these reviews like they're crack. Think of a book that left you disappointed and then look it up on Goodreads. Find the worst reviews and maybe you'll understand why they're prime entertainment.


On Repeat: "Tessellate" - Ellie Goulding (Alt-J cover) (Her version makes me feel like a different person, like I'm in a different world. It's breathtaking and sexy and timestopping and ahh I love it)
I'm craving: Cheetos