For the research class I'm in, we had to write a 20 page paper on a topic of our choice. Monday was the due date for our rough drafts and since then, we've been reading 6 papers written by our peers per week and giving them our feedback. Today, I read a fantastic essay on the ramifications of modernity in Nepal. For a first draft, it was nearly perfect. I found myself intrigued by a topic I never would have willingly read about because of how well the words flowed off the page. It was so good. And I was jealous.
The author of this paper is in my creative writing poetry class too where I also marvel his work. Finding out that he wasn't just a pro at writing creatively, but that he could master formal essays too, I grew horribly disappointed in myself. While he wrote 20 pages of perfection in two weeks, I couldn't even write that much or that well if I were given two months. With his ability to create a paper so well written in so little time, I was reminded of how it takes hours and hours and revisions upon revisions to come up with something I'm proud of. With people like him in the world, I'll never amount to anything.
Then I think of the other people I know who are better writers than I am who don't even have an interest in perusing a career in writing. I hate to say it's not fair, but it's not. I like writing, but it just takes me so darn long to write something that people won't regard as boring or underdeveloped. (I know this post isn't quality writing, but I'm sharing it anyway. This is my blog. I vent without the intention of impressing.) At least I'm aware of what sucks about my writing; this way I can work to improve.
Negative thoughts like these swelled in my mind for the next few hours which made me very depressed and down on myself. I thought about ditching my English major and giving up on my dreams of becoming an author. What's the point in continuing this path if no one will ever react to my writing the same way that I reacted to a college student's work?
The only person I can remember who said she sincerely liked my writing is my best friend Erin, but even then she was referring to the style I take to when writing emails. I am very very thankful for her and if I do continue writing, I see it being because of her. She's the only one who faithfully reads my blog posts anyway. So Erin, this one is for you. How do I keep myself from thinking I suck so much?
There will always be people who are better then you but that doesn't mean you're ranked any lower than them; other people may not see the same grandeur you do. And you'll always be better than other people, maybe even the same people who are better than you. At making similes or writing a punching introduction, it doesn't matter. I know you'll amount to something because you tackle everything thrown at you, from our PreCalc class to frosting cupcakes. And even if you do ditch your English major you don't have to give up your dream of becoming an author, anyone can send in a query letter. Yeah, credentials would be impressive and help, but it's really not about that. If you have the talent, which you do, you write splendidly (did I really just say splendidly?), and never give up you can push through anything and succeed if you want it enough and I know you do. Your emails aren't the only writing of yours that I like (I just get a constant supply of those) and that's why people are going to pick up your books and keep coming back to you. Yes, haters may keep coming back to hate and there's no getting rid of that but even so, to make another persons world just that bit better because of something you wrote? Best feeling ever or best feeling ever? And in a way haters are helping you by reading your work, even if they quit halfway through. And when they're talking about you, even negatively, they're still spreading the word of your work to people who may end up genuinely enjoying it. Maybe they'll even shed light on how you can improve; we're all improving. John Green is improving. Stephen King is still improving. Getting better in a way that pushes lovers of your early work away or pulls in new people, as long as you're happy with what you have. And even if you're not pleased with what you have now, you'll write more and you'll improve. Nobody likes their first pieces of work anyway, right?
ReplyDeleteThere's no way to get rid of thinking you're bad or being afraid to show your work and how it will be received, Charlie McDonnell is scared and so is practically everybody else on YouTube; they don't think anything of themselves but look at how we see them. You're your biggest critic and you're the only one who gets to think of how you should have done this better, or phrased that a different way, there's no getting rid of that, you're human. Listen to people when they compliment you and be humbled. Listen to people when they criticize you and don't take it too seriously because they don't know you. Maybe someday you'll feel content with your writing and maybe it will be all because of them.
I've spent well over an hour on this comment and I was listening to Alone Together by Fall Out Boy that whole time (Literally. The. WHOLE. Time.) so I'm going to go now.